As some of you may or may not know, I have been raised up to be a team leader of a team of 5 lovely women, and I have been serving in this position for 2 months now (Ecuador and Peru). As a team leader, I lead the team in logistical aspects, (e.g. how do we get to our contact?), in relationships with our contact and understanding ministry responsibilities, as well as in the spiritual aspects of the team, (e.g. praying for them, checking in to see how everyone is doing, lending an ear, fighter for and encouraging team wellness and unity, calling higher and giving advice) and other fun stuff. We are a team that is filled with laughter, late night pillow-talk, joy, and we talk about boys.
This month we have lived in the slums of Lima, Peru, near a garbage dump. I honestly live by a massive hole in the ground and as I write this, I can hear the roaring engines of dump trucks, as well as a man on a loud speaker trying to sell fruit. “Mandarina, mandarina, mandarina, manzana!” he yells. These things have just become the norm. In just a few days, we head to the high altitude of La Paz, Bolivia by bus. Prayers for travels as well as protection against the possible effects of the high altitudes upon arrival to the great heights of Bolivia are much appreciated.
So on to more deeper topics, I’m just going to shoot you straight. This has been a hard month. I’m not really sure why it has, I’m still figuring that out, but it has been hard. Leading has been hard. And I’m sorry, this post probably isn’t going to be as well written as others in the past, and it’s not going to be full of amazing stories filled with beautiful characters, and I’m not going to talk about connections I’ve made with the people here. I’m just going to tell you how I have been struggling. So, have some grace with me 🙂
I was still in Bogota, Colombia when I was asked to be a team leader. I essentially had two different reactions in my head when I was asked. First, I was shocked and honored. I was giddy and excited. I was humbled. I was surprised, yet ready to say “yes!” And then I did say yes. Yes, I will lead whoever you place on my team, but still unsure of what it would entail or what it would look like. And then I had a second internal reaction. Maybe it occurred to me days after I had said yes, I don’t exactly remember, but it was huge doubting. I thought “Me????? I can’t do that. I can’t handle all the things that might happen. I’m not spiritual enough. I’m not wise enough. Sometimes I’m a woman of few words and I don’t know what to say and I don’t know how to speak Truth into people’s lives. I can’t do this. This will be ridiculous and horrible and a mistake. Not me. I can’t do that.”
The most deep thought and one that struck a deep cord in my heart was a made-up scenario and fear in my head where the people that had chosen and asked me to lead would one day come to me, realising what a horrible mistake they made in asking me to do this and they would ask me to step down.
Even before I got to do the dang thing, I had a fear that at any moment the rug could be pulled out from under me.
And I wouldn’t handle it with grace. I wouldn’t be okay with that. If they asked me to step down from leading, I was just going to be mortified and horribly embarrassed.
Because if they ask me to step down, then everyone would know the secret I thought I had been hiding. That I wasn’t good enough.
Lies. I struggle with lies. Lies that I’m not good enough, lies that people on my squad/team probably wonder why I’m a team leader. Little Meg? Little soft-spoken, thin-skinned Meg? She doesn’t have the personality, or the capability to lead. These are lies. No one believes these things about me. I don’t have reason to believe these things. [The reality is, is that I have 22 people on my squad who love and support me. They want to hear my voice. They want to see me thrive in this. They are behind me, in support of me, and are fighting for me]
But during those times in Bogota, or whenever I would have a thought like this over these past 2 months, I would throw it away. I wouldn’t even address their existence. You know why? Because I thought I had been through all this before. You see, during my time in college, specifically my junior year, I struggled with similar lies and thoughts in my head. I tried to armour up and battle the negative lies or thoughts in my head, but usually I didn’t put up a good fight at all. In all areas of my life, I saw how I didn’t measure up. And that’s where I was putting my identity and my value. I thought I wasn’t smart enough, that my new major wasn’t impressive-enough. I didn’t believe in myself in hockey anymore, I actually thought I was an embarrassment to the sport, and I rated myself based on how much “playing minutes” I got, which wasn’t many. I felt like I was desperately trying to fit it into a world that I didn’t belong. I used all these things to see if I measure up, and to be honest I didn’t. My vision became clouded, all I could see was what I lacked, or where I wasn’t good enough. I tried to believe in Truth of God’s word and who He says I am, but the lies always were louder. And then they got too loud. BUT, it doesn’t just end there. To quickly sum up, I went to Colorado that summer and I experienced the Lord in a whole new way, and His voice spoke directly to me and told me I was good enough, that I was loved, that I was of infinite value and worth, despite what the world may try to tell me. I read the words that I was His daughter, that I was a friend of Christ, that I was accepted the way I am. Finally, I was willing to believe His words, and the lies had no place in my heart anymore.
So that is why, when the doubts of not being good-enough come up on the race, I would throw them away. I had hoped that all that junk I had been through my junior year was not in vain. I saw this as a checkpoint with the Lord that I had clearly passed long ago. So I just ignored them, never once acknowledging their presence.
And then Peru happened. It went flying in my face. I couldn’t escape, I finally just needed to admit to myself where I have been struggling. Just yesterday, my sweet friend and teammate, Katrina, came to me and shared with me that she can tell that something is wrong. She said that it seems like I haven’t been myself lately. That from where she stands, it appears as though something has got a hold on me, something is plaguing me. She could see it from my demeanor, and I wasn’t myself. She said she missed Meg and that she’s got glimpses of the old Meg, but she wanted to know what’s going on. Something is going on in my head. And right now I want to share something with you that another leader of mine shared with me way back in Nicaragua, month 4. She said, “The war you wage is inside your mind. Though it is silent to us, I think it’s screaming loudly inside at you. I challenge you to invite us on to the battlefield so we can fight alongside you. Sometimes you set off to war and are gone from us for a while. And when you are gone you are greatly missed.” And the conversation I had with Katrina yesterday reminded me of that.
Lately, this is what I have written in my journal. “I’ve got to start believing that people are for me. I’ve got to believe that my team loves me. It’s true; I’ve just got to start believing it. But why is it so easy for me to believe the opposite? Why is it, when I wonder if I’m good enough, does it strike such a deep cord? It seems to be so heavy on my heart.Something is deep down in there, and I don’t know what to do about it. How do I get it out from under there? What do I do with it once I do get it out? And how do I make sure it never gets back in? Why is seeing my inadequacy my first reaction?”
And in many ways, that’s where I’m still at. I don’t know all the answers to those questions. I don’t have a beautiful and neat answer that’s wrapped in a bow, or a deep revelation. I guess I’m just learning how to share the unredeemed parts too, the places where I don’t have it all together, the places where I’m still waiting for God’s transforming hand to come touch this area of my life.
However, I will tell you a little bit of what’s been on my heart, and a little bit of what God’s scriptures have been teaching me about. My teammate, Leah, and I have been talking about David from the Bible every now and then. She is actually preaching about David in church tonight. I feel like I still have a lot to learn about him. Little David who slays a giant with one stone. Little David, who was the smallest and youngest from his family. Little David who was anointed to be King over Israel.
I’ve been learning what it means to be anointed by God for a position, the way David was anointed to be King over Israel. He was who God had selected, chosen, and raised up. It is similar for my position. I wasn’t randomly selected, and I don’t believe in coincidences. No instead, I believe in God’s sovereign hand; He selected me for this position. And He has given me what I need in this very moment to lead this team. Yes, I am in a process as a team leader, and I will grow, and I will learn, but where I’m at now, is enough. He has gifted and created me to be a certain way fit for this very time and place.
I used to think that I didn’t have thick enough skin to be a team leader. I thought I was too sensitive to do this thing. I sometimes crumble under other people’s words. I sometimes crumble when I feel as though I’ve let people down. I crumble as a result of the heaviness I feel when things aren’t as they should be. Growing up, I sometimes found myself apologizing for my sensitivity, and so I thought this whole experience of leading, may be another time I apologize for being too sensitive. But then I learned that was complete crap. I don’t need to apologize. Again, I am created the way God desires me to be. My sensitive spirit and understanding heart brings things to the table that other people may not. Maybe I can draw and bring people in and reach out to people who respond to a soft soul like mine. It has value. Recently I read this, “Never lose your thin skin. A heart that succumbs easily to sadness is the same sort that opens wide to love and gratitude and empathy.” My sweet friend Katrina also told me yesterday that while she has been praying for me recently, the Lord told her this about me. “The only thing in the way of where you are now, and the leader you want to be is, you. You are the only thing stopping you.”
Once David was anointed, sometimes, things were really bad. Like really actually bad. But the circumstances surrounding David didn’t change his identity, and it didn’t change who God had called him to be. David was secure, firm, and confident in this. He trusted the Lord.
To prepare for battle, David was given armour, but it was too big, it didn’t fit him, and he wasn’t used to wearing it. So when he went into battle with Goliath, he took off the amour. That just shows that David was secure in the way God made him and who he created him to be. He could look past the size of the giant, and saw his even bigger God.
When God anointed Moses, Moses quickly thought of reasons why he wouldn’t be a good leader, and why God should choose someone else. Sometimes, under Moses’ leadership, things were really really bad, but again, that didn’t change who God had called Moses to be. Circumstances don’t affect God’s calling.
When God called little Gideon, he also responded with saying that he doesn’t know enough. That he can’t do it. And I think he was completely right that we can’t do it apart from God.
At the parent vision trip last month, I got to spend time with my sweet Pops and Lisa. One night, my dad just started speaking truth me over in front of my whole squad. He was calling out all these good things he sees in me, my life, and for my future. He said that his little Sonny is a quiet storm, and that he prays that I will let it out.
