harder than I thought it would be
I am just writing to tell you about my preparations for leaving.. And it is HARD, guys. Planning to leave for a year is tough… I find it to be two-fold. Not only am I planning to leave the things that I know, the things that are common and comfortable, the people and country that I love, not to mention my friends and family, but I am also entering into the unknown, the uncommon, living life with people whom I don’t know very well yet.
My emotions have been everywhere… up, down, good and bad. Lately, I have been allowing myself to simply feel these emotions- something that tends to be more uncommon in society today, and certainly uncommon in my life. Often times, I cover up my real, raw emotions, even trying to hide them from myself. If I’m sad, I try to hide it from myself, maybe distracting myself with netflix, or trying to will myself to be happy. But I think there is such benefit in allowing ourselves to feel what we feel, and not being ashamed of it. I’m not saying you need to broadcast it across all of society, but in those quiet moments when you are by yourself or with your friends and family, it’s okay to be sad if that’s what you are feeling, or if it’s complete and utter joy, then you should allow yourself to feel it!
There has been a song lately that when I listen to it, I can’t help but cry when I hear it. It’s Talladega by Eric Church. And for those of you that know me, know that I am a (country) music junkie. I love song lyrics and music. I love the music that isn’t just the “good beat, feel good” song, but the ones that speak to and awaken my soul. The ones that may have just one line that is so dearly relevant to my life. The ones that make me feel like someone is singing the song of my life. I always have a song that I want to ask my friends about like “did you hear this song? What do you think of it? I think of you during this part.., this reminds me of us!..” I always have a song that is the theme song/soundtrack of my life. It may only last a few hours or the rest of the year. But this song, Talladega, stops me in my tracks. It literally makes me feel ALLLL the feelings.
It brings me back to this free-spirited summer spent in Columbus with my best friends. Waking up with no plans except for spending time with each other. Maybe it would be a random ice cream run, maybe we would go back to 4th street for another happy hour, or maybe I would go with my best friend to the dealer as she got her first car, and ending my summer nights with my line dancing partner in crime. I had just graduated and was trying to live up my time in Columbus. Some days I hated not having the responsibilities that I did when school was in session, but now I see that I was truly making memories that would last me a lifetime.
I think of all these things when I hear this song, and the others that have touched my heart these last few weeks. I just want more time with the people that I love. This coming year, I won’t be able to drive to Columbus and crash on my best friend’s futon whenever I want, I probably won’t go line dancing at all, I will miss all my cousins’ birthdays, I won’t be able to visit my brothers at their new apartment, or have 2 am chats with my sister… And it is okay to feel sad about these things. But please don’t get me wrong, I am SO EXCITED for this upcoming year and what God has for me.
I am excited about falling in love with a ministry, or a child held in my arms that I won’t want to leave. I know that come final debrief, I will be weeping, not wanting to leave the group of people that will have become my family. We will be able to sit around for hours, talking about the amazing ways we saw God move. I will come back to America, and may feel strange. I know that I can’t even predict what God will do this year, the way the He may change me, mold me, and use me. I know that this year will be awesome! Sure, there will be hard days, days that make me question whether or not I should be on the race. But it will be awesomely life-changing.
But I haven’t gotten there yet; I haven’t experienced it yet. What is real for me right now, is saying the ‘see-you-laters’ to my friends and family. And it is hard, and my emotions feel like they are being pulled in all directions, and that is okay. It is okay. And I’m just going to end by saying I am not sorry for my sappiness these next couple of weeks 🙂
Talladega by Eric Church
It was the summer before the real world started and, The deal was we would get to go, if we Cleaned it up, and got it running, Daddy’s old Winnebago and Wing and a prayer down 65, Five best friends on four bald tires, I can still see Billy smiling, when we finally made it.
To Talladega, boys raised up, Whiskey in your glass, here’s to turning up, Slowing down and cars that go real fast, We were laughing and living, drinking and wishing, And thinking as that checkered flag was waving, Sure would like to stay in Talladega
Like a storm, time rolls on, You can’t hit pause as we just did. Most days in life don’t stand out, But life’s about those days that will, like, Rocking rando, getting rowdy, Shooting roman candles at the man in the moon, Til the Alabama sun was breaking
When the winds go cold and it blows October, I think about us shoulder to shoulder, Like those cars my thoughts roll over and over and over, In my mind
